Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
