it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
