my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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