I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
