I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
