You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
