I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
