I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
