Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
