Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
