It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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