okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
