she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize