all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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