It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
