i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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