Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
