The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
