The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
