I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
