A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
