Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize