Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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