It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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