I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
