I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
