I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I will pee on everything he values.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
