glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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