Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
