she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
