funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
