I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
