Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
so that wasnt chicken after all
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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