I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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