whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
