i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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