He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
