I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
