i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Randomize
