matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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