Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize