What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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