Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
