he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
