Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize