Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
