another moral hangover. fuck.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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