You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
