when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
