remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
