I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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