if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
