The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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