PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize