I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
