so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
