My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
