Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
