i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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