She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
