I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
