Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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