When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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